nookncranny's Diaryland Diary

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page two

in the days before the aforementioned plane ride...

i find myself in a rare moment. alone with dad in his cardiac care room. my sis has left to take a call. machines pushing morphine into his spine and pulling bleeding from his insides press thier hissing noises to every edge of the room. his mouth hangs open in an o as he sleeps through chunks of time he won't remember.

it hurts to hold both my thirty-seven year old self, and my eleven or twelvish self, here, in the same moment. in the same heart. alanis is crying into my headphones about forgiving old grudes. weeping ambles out of me. i need to rise. and i'm rising. and i don't completely understand who it is i am becoming now that i am shaking off so much of who i was.

i am standing up to this family who have accidentally hurt me terribly from my very beginning. i am forcing my chin up.

"i forgive you dad." i whisper into his sleep.

more to come...

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